Hoping love in my thirties plays like a slice-of-life film

Do you know how much I like you

Some days I want to start with that line, bounce around, and spill out one big movie line after another.

I hadn't written in a while. The biggest reason was that work got busy, but if I'm honest about the smaller one, it was also that I liked someone for the first time in years. I was supposed to write down what was in my head, but the things he said and did and the time we spent together kept coming back, and I felt that all I'd write was love-soaked stuff. The world isn't interested in my love life, and a story about two people is only fun for those two, so I stopped writing.

Grateful for the steady stream of work, I focused on my job and made time to see him when I could. One person coming into my quiet everyday life brought it to life, but not in a dramatic way. That was one of the reasons I came to like him.

In my twenties I wanted a love like the movies. I wanted to be loved more than anyone by a prince who only had eyes for me, with nothing between us but flawless, perfect memories. I knew movie love was all for show, and still I thought I could have that kind of relationship. With the men who fell for me and would have brought me the moon and the stars to keep me happy, the dopamine ran low and we went the usual way, to a breakup. It was a very natural cycle, and a lucky one, because it got me to accept what real relationships are like.

He wasn't a prince or the leading man in a movie, but he was easy to be with. I just met him as myself, and he took me in as himself. The way he shows who he is, with nothing put on and nothing hidden, helped keep me level-headed. But in the end it was that steadiness that made me feel safe, and things turned emotional. That was after a slow two months.

I like boring movies. I mean the quiet slice-of-life kind, without big ups and downs or much happening. After a young life swept along by want and feeling, it took until my thirties to start living like the movies I love. Not exactly the same, but close. I only roughly know what it takes to live quietly, but getting nearer to the life I want counts for a lot. He seemed like someone who wouldn't throw me off balance. Someone who would keep me just where I am, neither floating up nor sinking down.

We aren't characters in a movie, just people getting on with our lives, so of course we expect things from each other, get hurt as much as we expected, make up quickly, and keep loving. When I want to shout about how much I like you, it makes me a little sad, and that's a secret only I know. Because I'm scared of having to bear a breakup that might come, I only show as much as I could stand to grieve. That's an ordinary love in your thirties, and it's also how I treat people so I can live like the movies I love. Looking after myself first, so I can keep the people who matter to me.

With a heart gathered slowly, because I don't pour it all out, I like him as fully as I can within what I'm able to give. So I hope he sees my courage for what it is, even when I bounce around now and then, or droop in ways no one could make sense of.

Here's hoping nothing much happens to all the loves in their thirties that want to be slice-of-life films.